Tips for customers phoning the Call Centre

I have the day off work today. Great! Been shopping. Now time to do my bit for the country. Thought it would be helpful if I put down some handy hints for people calling me and my colleagues. I sincerely hope that the following points prove to be of immense service to anyone contemplating ringing our call centre.

Here’s part 1:

1. SPEAK ENGLISH
If you don’t speak English then don’t call. We won’t understand you. If you think that we should be multi-lingual, you’re wrong. Although quite a few of my colleagues speak several languages, we do in fact work for an English call centre in the UK. Our customers are in the UK. Therefore we have no need to speak another language. Ok?

2. IF YOU’RE FOREIGN AND LIVING HERE PLEASE SPEAK SLOWY.
People from abroad who speak very good English, albeit with a heavy accent, tend to speak extremely quickly. Soifyoucallandspeaktoquicklywithoutanypauseorbreakorwithoutanycommafullstoporendofasentencewewillnotunderstandyou. Ok?

3. DIAL THE CORRECT NUMBER
No, we cannot book your doctors appointment. No, we do not deliver bird seed. No, we are not the local chiropodist. Nor do we have their numbers. We are not directory enquiries. If you need to reach someone abroad then phone them yourself. We are not putting you through. You lazy b*stard. Telling me you’re from overseas and don’t know how to use the telephone service will not work. Especially if you say this with a Scottish/Welsh/Irish accent. If you have an insurance policy with another company and have a complaint, then ring them not us. We are not going to pass on the details for you. Ok?

4. PRESS THE CORRECT OPTION
There’s no point in going through to customer service if you wish to make a claim. Especially when the first option is to make a claim. If you listen you will hear it. If you choose to go through to customer service, or don’t bother pressing any option, then we will have to transfer you to the correct department. You have wasted your time. You have wasted our time. You have wasted the time of the intelligent customers who know what they’re doing. Well done. You are very clever.

5. IF YOU WANT SEX DIAL THE CORRECT NUMBER
Just to put any pervert in the picture. We are professional people wearing office attire. I.e. suits, smart clothes. We are not sitting there in our underwear. The colour of my underwear is none of your f*cking business. If you want a blow job fine. When I tell you I bite I’m only caring for you, the customer, and putting you in the picture. The least you can do is wait for a quote before hanging up. If you wish to ring and relate to us what you are doing while watching animal farm, fine. We need a good laugh. You sad b*stard. If you wish to flash at me when I finish work, fine. I have a magnifying glass.

6. KNOW WHY YOU ARE RINGING AND TELL US
We are not mind readers. If you ring and relate your long list of illnesses and health problems, it does not tell us why you are ringing. Trust me. You can tell me all about your piles, but I won’t be able to deduce from that that you actually want to know what your payments are.

7. DONT BOTHER SWEARING AT ME
I’ll just cut you off. Now p*ss off.

8. DON’T CALL AT CLOSING TIME
With all the new regulations from the FSA it now takes 10-15 minutes to set up a policy. If you call when we are closing it won’t get done. You will be told to call back. So don’t bother phoning at closing time. We have homes to go to, kids to collect, taxis/buses/trains to catch. We’re not putting it off for you. If it’s that important you would have phoned earlier. You didn’t. May be you think it’s funny phoning at closing time. You miserable b*stard. Get a life.

Well, there you go. My good deed for the day is done. I hope this will prove to be a list worth remembering and even pinning to the fridge. That way you will be able to read it before calling us. Thank you so much.