Tips for customers phoning the Call Centre

I have the day off work today. Great! Been shopping. Now time to do my bit for the country. Thought it would be helpful if I put down some handy hints for people calling me and my colleagues. I sincerely hope that the following points prove to be of immense service to anyone contemplating ringing our call centre.

Here’s part 1:

If you don’t speak English then don’t call. We won’t understand you. If you think that we should be multi-lingual, you’re wrong. Although quite a few of my colleagues speak several languages, we do in fact work for an English call centre in the UK. Our customers are in the UK. Therefore we have no need to speak another language. Ok?

People from abroad who speak very good English, albeit with a heavy accent, tend to speak extremely quickly. Soifyoucallandspeaktoquicklywithoutanypauseorbreakorwithoutanycommafullstoporendofasentencewewillnotunderstandyou. Ok?

No, we cannot book your doctors appointment. No, we do not deliver bird seed. No, we are not the local chiropodist. Nor do we have their numbers. We are not directory enquiries. If you need to reach someone abroad then phone them yourself. We are not putting you through. You lazy b*stard. Telling me you’re from overseas and don’t know how to use the telephone service will not work. Especially if you say this with a Scottish/Welsh/Irish accent. If you have an insurance policy with another company and have a complaint, then ring them not us. We are not going to pass on the details for you. Ok?

There’s no point in going through to customer service if you wish to make a claim. Especially when the first option is to make a claim. If you listen you will hear it. If you choose to go through to customer service, or don’t bother pressing any option, then we will have to transfer you to the correct department. You have wasted your time. You have wasted our time. You have wasted the time of the intelligent customers who know what they’re doing. Well done. You are very clever.

Just to put any pervert in the picture. We are professional people wearing office attire. I.e. suits, smart clothes. We are not sitting there in our underwear. The colour of my underwear is none of your f*cking business. If you want a blow job fine. When I tell you I bite I’m only caring for you, the customer, and putting you in the picture. The least you can do is wait for a quote before hanging up. If you wish to ring and relate to us what you are doing while watching animal farm, fine. We need a good laugh. You sad b*stard. If you wish to flash at me when I finish work, fine. I have a magnifying glass.

We are not mind readers. If you ring and relate your long list of illnesses and health problems, it does not tell us why you are ringing. Trust me. You can tell me all about your piles, but I won’t be able to deduce from that that you actually want to know what your payments are.

I’ll just cut you off. Now p*ss off.

With all the new regulations from the FSA it now takes 10-15 minutes to set up a policy. If you call when we are closing it won’t get done. You will be told to call back. So don’t bother phoning at closing time. We have homes to go to, kids to collect, taxis/buses/trains to catch. We’re not putting it off for you. If it’s that important you would have phoned earlier. You didn’t. May be you think it’s funny phoning at closing time. You miserable b*stard. Get a life.

Well, there you go. My good deed for the day is done. I hope this will prove to be a list worth remembering and even pinning to the fridge. That way you will be able to read it before calling us. Thank you so much.


Published by Mandee

I'm an EFT practitioner, Matrix Reimprinter, Colour Therapist, Reiki Healer, Tarot Reader, And Astrologer. EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique) was pioneered by Gary Craig, tapping on acupressure points to help a person heal themselves. It proved to be extremely effective and has been taken up by many people worldwide. The therapy was taken further by Karl Dawson who found it very effective to enable the client to access memories, many hidden, sometimes pre-birth. By accessing the memory in the matrix the client is able to identify the root of problem areas, and with the help of the practitioner address the initial cause of trauma, phobias, addictions, pain, etc. I also use colour therapy and reiki as separate therapies, but they also work well together. It's no coincidence that nurses wear blue - blue is a very calming and relaxing colour. Just the thing you need when recovering. Too much blue, however, can lead to withdrawal and in some cases depression. We've all heard the term: 'I'm having a blue day'. This is just one colour example. Reiki is a very relaxing complementary healing technique that originated in the East. It is used worldwide as an effective therapy. The practitioner allows universal energy to flow through them into the client, to help the client recover. The therapies mentioned above are complementary. In orders words they can be used alongside modern medical practices. I do not diagnose or prescribe. Diagnosis and medication is dealt with by your GP or hospital consultant. I've been reading the tarot and runes for over 30 years both in the UK and internationally. I'm also a member of the Astrological Association of Great Britain after studying astrology through the Mayo School of Astrology. I offer Natal Charts, Reports, and Readings. Please note: Tarot and astrology is for guidance only. The reading or report will not make decisions for you and should not be used as a substitute for professional advice.

One thought on “Tips for customers phoning the Call Centre

  1. the shock and horror of the people that we live upon these days hey, you have put a light on what is around us and what happens, the simplist of things can be miss understood or is it just the people who are simple and they just dont understand????

    cant wait to read more, this has made me in stitches, …..and me who has worked in a call centre before can truely say yep this is what happens lol

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