Buffet Time

We had a lovely buffet at work yesterday. We do this from time to time. This occasion was to celebrate Diwali. We all take in something to share, or put a few quid towards pizza, samosas, and spring rolls.

I did the unthinkable and forgot all about it.

A few people were ordering pizza so I was able to grovel and offer a contribution there. Luckily it was accepted.

As usual there was loads of food left over. And as usual the vultures from other sections came hovering around to pick at the leftovers.

This annoys me considerably.

I feel bad if I forget to contribute. So bad, in fact, that if I can’t put towards something that is being ordered in, like the pizza, then I won’t partake. These vultures, on the other hand, have not contributed at all. They spy the food and are suddenly starving. It appears that they are on a sea food diet – they see the food and need to eat it.

They have various methods of taking the food, just like vultures in the wild:

1) Circling Vultures
This is when the vultures hover around, about 2metres away from the food, walking back and forth biding their time. They wait until everyone has moved away, bound in quick, grab something, and run.

2) The Side Line Crawl
This is where said vulture needs to speak to someone on the team just as they are getting some food. Said vulture will hover, moving slowing, almost crawling around the food with our team mate, until the person they are speaking to feels guilty and offers them some food.

3) The Direct Approach
This is where said vulture spots the food and walks directly over, takes what they want, and then walks back to their desk.

4) Round the Mulberry Bush
Vulture walks over to the team and begins a general chit chat with a team member that they know well. Conversation slowly gets round to the buffet – takes up to 15 minutes. By this time the team member feels that they have to offer the vulture some food.

5) The Polite Approach
This is where the vulture will come and ask if they can have something. This is polite and well mannered so the answer is usually a yes.

6) Send the Team Manager (TM)
A vulture on a different team will manage to convince their TM to get some food for them. Said TM will wander over following one of the above scenarios and will take a plateful of food back for their team.

7) Ask the Team Manager (TM)
Some vultures will simply ask their own TM if they can have some of our food. Their TM will often say yes and instruct them to help themselves.

8) Ask a Friend
Vulture asks a friend who just happens to be friendly with one of our team members. Friend asks if they can have a samosa and ends up taking a plateful to share.

9) Ask the Audience
Vulture will question everyone around them to see if they have had food and do they think we would mind if they came over to have something.

10) 50 / 50
Vulture wanders over, grabs something, asks us if we mind. They already have their grubby talons on it so chances are we won’t say no. If we do they haven’t lost anything as they haven’t put anything into the buffet.

11) Patience
This is the one I don’t mind. These are people who get offered food by us at the end of the day. Their patience pays off and they are able to take whatever they want as it is offered to them freely.

I reckon we should put certain plates out full of mouldy stuff. That would teach them a lesson.